Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.