Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Cat or sheep
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant