Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
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*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Friend: What time is it?
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
me: i snuck in some snacks
me: *clutching ramen noodles* do you have any boiling water
Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?