Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.