Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.
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Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl