going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!