going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Called it
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me when someone tries to get to know me
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.