Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.
We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.