Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Good morning.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.