Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

prepare for carbonated trouble

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

*limbos away from your hug*

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit