Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.