Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

my dad has had enough

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

My patience has stretch marks.

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses