Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

what’s really going on

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.