Going to pronounce fecal like decal
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[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
