Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Fun Things
Siri: Retweet me.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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