going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
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[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Another interesting #factupdates post!
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes