going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Don’t touch that.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”