going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
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4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
#NoRestForTheWicked
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
im gay on my mothers side