going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Previously On Persistence 😎
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner