going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
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I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
HOW DARE YOU
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.