Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

🥴😂

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

tourist season

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers