Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..