Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
The internet is full of many things
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun