Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
This is so me 😂😂
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.