Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
You Might Also Like
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it