Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

Fixed this for Shakespeare

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Wolves should really raise more people.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.