Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

love pickles so much i put myself in one

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.