Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
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Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Noted.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.