Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”

Me: “When can I start?”

the #horror is real!

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.