Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
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Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.