Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
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The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Always
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.