Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
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Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
About to throw up
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I’d love this…lol
