Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
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Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway