Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.