Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
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Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
We need to put an American base on the sun
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally