Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
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Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Is this a threat?
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!