Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
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Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Ferrari squats
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?