Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
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[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob