Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
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corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total