Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them