Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
worst…sale…ever
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Good morning, Twitter x
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.