Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
is nasa ok
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?