going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
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Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
i meant to share this earlier
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
My daily affirmation
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down