going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
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He just like my cat fr
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
But wait…
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Do not levitate over flowers
