going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Poetry is my passion
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.