going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
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Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Personal question. #JustSaying
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.