Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
You Might Also Like
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet