Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
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I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Good morning ☺️
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
kids play hide and seek like
