Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

Women are like campfires.

Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.

And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.

Mostly.