Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
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Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
This story is comedy gold 😂
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
You better watch out
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”