going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
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The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I don’t know what to do
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.