Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
you gotta be faster
