going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
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I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.