going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
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My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I would like even faster food.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.