going to the ER y’all need anything
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[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
broke down and did it
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity