Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.