Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

Do one person every day that scares you.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

What personal space?

My dog

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics