[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

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[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.


I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.


Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?


Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.


It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.


Coworker: it’s dark already
Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes
CoW: it’s only 5 ‘o clock
CoW: it’s early


Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours


If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.


For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.



“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations