[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
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“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*