@Mom_Overboard

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

@armyVet1972

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

@GroovyTasia

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

@StephenKing

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

@Just_Lee_

It’s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.

@nickcreelman

Coworker: it’s dark already
Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes
CoW: it’s only 5 ‘o clock
Me: I KNOW DAN
CoW: it’s early
Me: THAT’S HOW EARTH WORKS

@oxygenplug

Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours

@El_nacho_Nigre

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

@SteveSackington

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

@rolldiggity

“Hey, man, just called to see when you’re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too.” -Radio Stations