Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

[olive garden]

waiter: when you’re here you’re family

me: cool can I borrow some money

waiter: please leave

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.