Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
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I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Interior designer.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?