going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
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I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!