going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
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my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.