Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG

ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale

WIFE: Oh thank God

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time