Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

I’m not proud

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Never go to sleep after making me angry

I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”

barbara was highly relatable

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”