Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.

Genius idea!!

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”

This is a funeral. Show some respect.

“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

As per my last nervous breakdown

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.