[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent