Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?