[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
When you put it that way… 😂
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
A short story about romance.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
why would tinder want me to say this
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!