[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.