Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
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Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
the three branches of government
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
The future is now.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.