going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
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Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*