going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
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HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Noah was an idiot.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time